SS Beehive, 1946, 19 Feb 2k3

"No more human sacrifice," she said, "I'll just have a dry martini."

Annoyance. The beehive goes in spurts, with longer and longer loops of absence and shorter and shorter loops of attendance. I'm here on business, so to speak- a friend of mine and I had made plans to hang out a long time ago and she dropped me an email this morning asking what I was up to this evening. The answer was either hammering on Fugu, my "new" OpenBSD box, fucking with my network, or not much of anything. There's about four gazillion things I should be doing- upkeep, lan layout, apache testing configurations, working on Fugu... and that's just the stuff that I would be doing if I wasn't sitting here- it's not even the To Do List.

The Beehive has outlived its usefulness- at least at this stage of the game, when everything that needs done involves pushing the metal into batch processing, or attacking one machine for serving and another for development- work that involves, in its entirety, at least two machines to be done optimally. Struggling with OpenBSD so I don't have to kill myself with it in July, when I'll be needing it. Configuring a home developmental webserver that walls off my file server from the hypothetical outside. Rebuilding a bitchbox.

In other words, Nerd Things.

I'm here because I agreed to meet here- or rather, postulated the notion. And I'm running ahead of schedule, so I have about thirty minutes to kill. This unfortunately involves being exposed to the populace, which is and is not a good thing. In lieu of my recent exposure to Paul Graham's essay (here), I'm seeing the beehive social dynamic in a new light. Additionally, after assimilating the essay and writing up my own response (filed in LOC), I got to thinking about the concept as a whole, and analyzing my own history with it.

I've never liked large groups of people- my lameness filter has a tendency to kick in and thrust me to the outside, where there's much less distraction and, hypothetically, fewer people that are going to bug me. This is an issue in the beehive, as I know so many patrons that coming here to Do Work is completely pointless anymore. Productivity- at least in a useful form- is difficult to attain when people are constantly stopping by your table and paying their regards. This is no fault of their own- I am, by all intents, misusing the coffee house these days. They're doing what you do in a place like this- meeting people and hanging out with them. I'm trying to avoid that- consequently, I've been avoiding the place.

Though it has its benefits- a musician friend of mine just handed me a CDR of his latest to rip, which piles on with some material I have been sent from Germany to examine. You get to a certain point with being Known for whatever reasons, your skills and tastes become evident, and after awhile, you don't have to go looking- material falls in your lap. Same thing happens with operating systems, applications, video material, drinks, and so on and so forth.

But I digress. Also, my headphones suck.

The timefiller point I was building to is the personal analysis of Mr. Graham's essay and the things it got me thinking about. In one sense, it's all good- as any patterns or motivations that can be gleaned from hindsight analysis can be applied to the present and future. If anything, getting another piece of the puzzle is always interesting for its own value, especially when it's just stumbled across.

People keep piling into the place- happy hour and homework are finished, time to be social.

Digression for the sake of the obvious, a downside of working in total public. The point is the back analysis- I figured out something, at least a small piece of it. Back in high school- 11th and 12th grade- I was in great physical condition. Literally. Ripped, carved, whatever- I was in excellent shape and looked it. This is no longer the case, despite the subject coming up for review on occasion. I smoke, I drink, I eat right before bed and none of it's healthy. Cyberpunk lifestyle- fitness got dropped somewhere along the line.

Fitness is a matter of personal motivation- clearly under the present conditions, the motivation is lacking. I'm different now, but the same basic desire is there. The drive, however, is not. In retrospect, this deals largely with two factors. The first being that my father is in excellent physical condition- I conditioned myself with him, as he was an immediate resource of tips, suggestions, the routine, and would encourage me without driving me into the ground. It wasn't a keep up contest- I did it and asked if I could join, and he accomodated. I wanted to be in good shape, and look like it- but I also, at the time, had ulterior motives.

These became obvious at the beginning of my senior year. Gym class. 200 inverted crunches, batman style- the only guy that could pull it off. I remember clearly some kid from the peanut gallery as I stomped out of the lockerroom (I never "walked" in gym class- I stomped, stormed, or attacked)- "Holy SHIT! Hinder got RIPPED!"

Indeed. That was part of the point, really. It was obvious, totally, that I was in shape. You don't fuck with someone that looks like he's going to leave you sore for a week. The condition registers subconcsiously. I was no athelete, but that damned sure as shit didn't make any difference. I had something to prove, and I'd proven it. The benefits were great- being in shape makes you feel good, look good, and affects your body language, endurance, and stamina in positive ways.

Then art school happened, and I had other priorities. I had also lost my fitness peer, as my dad was three hundred and some odd miles away, still doing his thing- whereas I was learning the city, learning the applications, adapting to a new social situation. Emphasis on that last. Environment and expectations changed. There was no athletic base to prove against, no fitness impetus. The priority was delisted and filed in hibernation.

I've been taking issue with my noticeable reduction in lung capacity and my lack of being in shape lately- the essay, in combination with my present line of thought, clicked these things together and gave me an insight into the underlying reasons for the change in priorities and the fact that despite the topic being under consideration on a rather frequent basis, nothing has come of it. There's no outside pressure or motivation- there's nothing to prove. It's now a matter of personal impetus with no obvious goal or, ultimately, the punk rock smugness of knowing- and proving with your presence- that you're better than your surroundings, on sheer physical merit.

My history of self motivation is essentially negative in essence- there is a wealth of things that I do for sheer enjoyment, but progress- real progress- the DRIVE to get something done and do something that is incredibly difficult, time consuming, and otherwise annoying, is born out of a desire to not necessarily demean others, but establish beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm Better. Better in the sense that I can set my goal and achieve it regardless of circumstances or distractions. I can, given the impetus, achieve my Will with a savage sort of self-determination. Define. Redefine. Clarify. Execute.

This falls down without a sense of urgency or need- laziness kicks in and it's easier to not do a thing than it is to exert effort. The logic behind this can be broken by applicaiton of Heinlein's World's Laziest Man- you do one thing extremely well and bust your fucking ass at it to get out of doing something that you really don't want to do. Memorize a few dozen mathematics tables to get out of physical condition. Develope autopilot to get out of the stress of flying. Build a network to learn the trade without paying for it and sharpen your job skills to the point where you've maximized the time you spend at work getting Better.

That sort of thing.

Reangle with an eye towards the discovery- motivation is most successful when there's more to gain than personal satisfaction. Motivation works best when it's external. When it's to prove a point, flex skills, or shut the peanut gallery the hell up. The upper tiers of the popularity structure in high school are the perfect motivation for developing artistic skills- I can do something you can't- and for physical conditioning- I'm in better shape than you and I don't play sports. The art has lived on and translated itself online. People consider me to be good at UI design. Why? I make pages I'm happy with and I have very high standards. Some people like my artwork. Why? Because it's different, and I intend to keep it that way. Now sit right back, as a matter of fact, and let me show you how it's done.

In the Real World, being Good at what you do- or being considered good- is slightly more detrimental than it is in high school. In HS, the upper tiers of the peer group have no choice but to admit to your skills in some fashion, even if it's trying to demean you so they can feel good about themselves. They're tools. The Real World brings peers, or people who think they're peers- and people who want to learn or get tips and/or instruction from you in the ways by which you do things. It's an annoyance and a distraction when you're not in the mood for it. Hence the lameness filter. New targets to acquire- a new situation to rise above and prove oneself in needs to be found, or presents itself in a different fashion, as the game has changed.

Sounds almost predatory, doesn't it? I suppose it is in a way- I have the skills I do through being exposed to the right software and the right media, having the necessary skills to actually prove to myself that my instinct of "fuck, I can do better than this." is actually correct. Follow through on the hunch, prove the point for self satisfaction. Eventually, the skills get to the point where your personal satisfaction is getting noticed and starts drawing a crowd, after a fashion. Filtering the glut of sand that comes your way at that point and learning to filter for the diamonds- the right opportunities, the things you want to do- is a philosophical tangent. Being able to figure out what's good for you and achieving it are two very different faces of the coin that seperates instinct, hunches and talent from the drive for success. The point here is looking at the drive- where it comes from, what causes it, and most importantly, how to focus these things into something of value.

For me, discomfort is the drive. Sick of machines crashing? Get six and a switch, task each one with one of the things that you do. Problem solved. Sick of the high school gym class making you its bitch? Rip yourself into shape and go juggernaut. A computer animation major with a severe distaste for CAM software? Learn motion graphics and pass on merit of doing something totally unexpected- hone and perfect your skills later, after the school puts the application into the course curriculum. Unconventional and extreme solutions to annoying problems that aren't going away- the extremity being part of the joy of the solution- "Hey, I pulled 47 1/2 hours straight to get this thing done, so stop with this 'coming in late' stuff." Not proving myself just to prove myself- proving myself because I know I can do it. The situation provides the motivation. Scrap those factors that result in the push, scrap the urge.

Which brings me back to the fitness thing, and the new challenge- deliberately generating a situation in which it's condusive to get back in shape. Personal merit will work for a period of time, but there's a push that's needed to keep the concept running in the long term in order for it to pay off and become as habitual as email. Life after high school and college becomes a life of self motivation- something many people aren't big on unless their survival instinct kicks in. Training and certification to keep your job, drug testing, things like that- guidance from outside the situation. The carrot on a stick that keeps you in line.

So how does this work when you're passionately set on living by your own rules, and you're getting along just fine bending the situation to fit your needs without breaking yourself or the machine in the process, with all parties coming out on top? Where's the New Enemy when you have pretty much everything you want, or are slowly working on achieving it? Where's the kick in the face to get back in shape? The kick in the face to start the web comic? Who has the cattle prod?

At one point, the cattle prod was the popular kids in high school. I used them for exactly what they were good for, though it took me a few years to realize that my punk rock defiant approach to the situation actually catapaulted me into making the right connections and decisions to get out of the situation without causing more of a scene than I may have wanted to at the time. At the AI, the cattle prod was the 24 month deadline- graduate by 8th quarter or die. AI produced one of the first motion graphics demo reels (that I'm aware of) and a 400 meg in depth multimedia cd that blew the doors off the instructor ("You could get a job with this!" - Mr. Simpson)- a 20+ file assignment for a third level multimedia class that mandated something like fifteen screens. Overkill. 70 page documented self analysis, comparison contrast of first and eighth quarter mentalities with documentation and commentary from a psychologist for a three page comparison/contrast essay. Total, unreasoning overkill. The results? People know what you're capable of when you get your ass in gear. They look at the extremity compared to the baseline and either think you're nuts or see where you're coming from. Frequently both, which is fine by me.

Sounds like a lot of back-patting, but all of the above can be substantiated. I sucked at CG modeling, so I lit and texured well. I hated my graphics abilities for being so limited (re: experienced) at the time, so I poured a campaign world I had been developing for years into a disk, figuring the completion of the presentation would be weighed favorably over the quality of the aesthetic execution. In other words, I used what I was really, really good at or had already accomplished to cover up the areas in which I was defficient.

Same thing with physical conditioning- yeah, I could barely bench 120 and could do, at best, 3 pullups. But I could do 200 inverted crunches and leg press 450 without blinking an eye. Extremes in one or two categories belie the weakenesses or defficiencies in others- and I am not, by design, the master of any single discipline. There's too many of them and not enough time in the day. If I'm the master of anything, it's assembling my mediocre skills to work together as something that's far greater than the sum of the parts. World building, if you will- the world in question could just as easily be a web site or a DVD as a campaign setting for an RPG.

So. We have what I'm good at, and my penchant for going totally over the top. If not to prove a point, than to get the thing done- I do my best work under intense stress. Throughput is increased, the distractions drop off, and I'm getting a massive self-education in how to optimize workflow in order to accomplish the task. This works fucking fantastic in high school, in college, and in certain field jobs such as game programming- to paraphrase one of my AI instructors who had worked in the industry: "Three month deadline? Hah. You play Quake for 12 weeks and don't sleep for two."

This is, for many of us, exactly how it works. Urgency is the incentive. Obey the Fist- you either get it done or you get the hell out and look worse because of it. Constant urgency, on the other hand, will burn your ass out like a sparkler and you'll be sitting at home under your blankets watching Cowboy Bebop DIVX on your laptop and wondering why the hell you haven't finished your personal project yet. This line of reasoning could branch into analysis of doing what you Will against doing what you're good at, which is something all creative people have to deal with- but I'm getting closer to the point, or the question- how to create that sense of urgency.

How do you kick yourself into getting in shape when there's no incentive? How do you kick yourself into doing a web comic when there are no deadlines, no profit, none of the little motivation incentives that come with deadlines at work, high school bullies, or your TI screaming in your ear at five in the morning?

The immediate answer is to Redefine The Enemy.

How's that? Good question. The postulate being to develope, find, invoke or bring down some serious smack upon yourself, by your own hand- kick your environment into kicking you into doing what you want to get done. Give the situation the tools to give you the incentive. Stick your own damned foot in the bear trap and fire the Remington 700 at the jaws. Hope you don't miss.

Self Improvement isn't masturbation- depending on how you define it. Ikea furniture, khakis, cel phones and that nice care? Wanktastic. Being in good shape, being artistically productive, and doing what you want to get done? Spot on. An easy approach to this is to remove all distraction- get rid of everything else until all that's left is you and the resources you need to do the Thing. Self Destruction in the eyes of a consumer society- you don't need a DVD player to draw a web comic. You don't need a cel phone to composite video. Socially implied conveniences do nothing to get this sort of work accomplished. What are the distractions? What are the opiates? Why are you fucking around with OpenBSD when you could be sketching characters? Simple- you're avoiding the task in favor of something just as satisfying, but ultimately, of much less consequence and impact on your life and hopefully, the lives of others. You're productive, but it's a false productivity- it's an active distraction. You're being productively lazy.

Works in the workplace, and my knowledge of computers - expansive for my age (23) and exposure time (5 years)- sure as hell wouldn't be what it is if I didn't dedicate so much of my time to slacking off in the name of research. In the meantime, however, I'm out of shape and I've been meaning to do that comic since 1994. The capacity is there, in terms of talent, knowledge, and capability- yet the incentive has given way to distraction. This is ultimately unproductive when it comes to the stated goal- that being getting what's in my head out.

To that end, thanks to the essay that inspired this and the output contained herein, I have some ideas that merit exploring- the beginnings of a way to beat the situation into kicking my ass into getting this done.

I'll keep you posted.