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filtered
recent liquid
solios
tin omen

moveable type
cms
Hole
2004.11.28 @ 02:51 AM
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(Yes, I frequently feel shitty. Sometimes more so than others, with weekends usually being the situation that proves the rule. :P I should probably just stop drinking, honestly. People I care about are going to read this and assume Bad Things! :O)

Went to Laga feeling like shit (upside- talked to Adam, turns out we both have sleep anxiety. "upside" in that I'm not the only one, it's some nasty shit and he handles it much better than I do.). Had a couple of well drinks and promptly suffered glycemic meltdown. Gallons of cold sweat, an angry god vomiting down my spine. Cleared up after a half hour or so. File for future reference and move on.

Have a few more drinks, Absolute instead of Well. Social things, etc. happen. Walk home. Halfway home, the hole in my head reappears. Instead of being situated above the brainstem it's moved to the forebrain, left. Need to shit. Figure I'll get home, allow my ass to sneeze and then force myself to vomit. Finger down the throat, etc. Remember (fondly) actually feeling GOOD the morning after nights I get so drunk I puke.

Get home, paint the bowl, flush, wipe, flush. Finger down the throat, wiggle around, gag. Repeat, spit out some mucous. Repeat, spit out some blood. Mildly surprised and concerned. No finger, gag. Spit blood. Wash face. Spit blood. Muscles completely reject the tension- necrotic spaz-out back of neck, entire jaw. Spit blood, bile taste in back of mouth, feel like I've been clocked upside the head with a phone booth. Right upper jaw throbs like it's broken, like there's glass embedded in my palette. Burns to swallow, upper right hurts from strain- in hindsight, it wasn't even a tug, the fucking muscle group just BROKE at the slightest HINT of USE. Stabbing, relentless.

Stomach full of vodka. Tried to purge the mess, failed. Get to live with the consequences, spitting up blood instead of Absolut. Throat raw, feels like I've puked a freight train. Bowl says otherwise, bowl says less than an ounce of mucous, less than an ounce of pinkish blood. Raw.

Back of my throat burns like napalm. Right side of my face feels like an old sixteen ounce glass soda bottle was shoved into it at high velocity, throbbing.

Fingers pause. Surprised I can type at all, fucking dead alive that something, anything even works at ALL. The hole in my head is usually above the brainstem and wasn't there nearly as much when I smoked and now I feel it every day and it feels like I got hit with a bus in the jaw- it fucking HURTS and I did it to myself but I can STILL. FEEL. THE HOLE.

Fractured splinters of pain across the right, sometimes the left jaw, above where the wisdom teeth would be, below the eye sockets. Throat is RAW, throat BURNS. BURNS LIKE ACID. Can't think, clown will eat me. Entire head in a vise, barbed wire agony with The Hole at the fucking center dear gods STOP